Goodbye Mrs. *******, Hello Ms. *****

I have learned so much in the last year about the person I want to be and the people I NEVER want to emulate. Here are my lessons learned:

1. I am not anyone’s savior.

2. I am not responsible for the mental health, physical health, or financial well-being of grown-ass men who don’t handle this shit for themselves.

3. People who treat me like a doormat are no longer welcome in my world.

4. I will not abide back talk, down talk, manipulation, or juvenile behavior from adults in my world.

5. I am not an emotional punching bag...for anyone. Friends, family, acquaintances, lovers...ANYONE.

6. I will not be threatened without retribution. You don’t know me or the people I know or the damage we are capable of when we are backed in a corner. Do not mistake my kindness and generosity for not being capable of violence when me or mine are threatened.

7. My daughter never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever wants me to get married again and I am 100% okay with that.

8. My daughter is totally fine with my soon-to-be-ex-husband getting a girlfriend or getting married again and I am not 100% okay with that. There is a part of me that still loves him and yet despises him for breaking us.

9. I will have to continue to work on me to get past missing the good parts of my husband.

10. I will never align myself with another angry, psychopathic, sociopathic, drunk, narcissistic, sadistic, belitting, and/or chauvenistic partner again. If that means that I will be alone, as far as a romantic partner goes, for the rest of my life, so be it.

11. I love nothing in the world as much as my children. I will walk through fire for them!

12. I will never let someone hurt me physically or emotionally in front of my children again.

13. I will no longer accept unaddressed mental health issues, drinking, or drug abuse as an excuse for bad behavior directed at me or that affects me or mine as a valid excuse for said behavior.

14. I will call people out on their bullshit.

15. I will accept constructive criticism, but not straight detrimental talk.

16. I will sing.

17. I will act.

18. I will dance!

19. I will quit smoking.

20. I will be physically fit.

21. I will remain mentally fit.

22. I will grow and learn.

23. I will work and earn my own keep.

24. I will always strive to be a better person, parent, friend, relative, and member of society.

Remote Reiki!!!!

I had my first remote Reiki session a couple weekends ago. It was incredibly enlightening. In these COVID-19 times (and in the future), this will be a thing I HIGHLY recommend anyone open to the possibility of it working. My friend, a Reiki master, worked on me for almost 2 hours and the report she gave the next day matched sooooo well with the emotional and spiritual weights lifted from me; it was uncanny. Several realizations have hit me since the session. I understand it is not completely because of this session. I have been in intensive CBT for about a year. I have started eating better, sleeping more, exercising again, and attempting to be more mindful in all I do. I just feel so very different and changed and like I have crossed over in a way I could not have without this Reiki session.

First, I have realized that no matter who molested me as a child or took advantage of me as a drunken teen, or exercised control or spewed their vitriol at me in adult relationships, keeping this armor of fat on me did not protect me. I have, since the age of 19, been grossly overweight. The morning after my Reiki session, I looked at myself naked in a full-length mirror for the first time in about 25 years. I saw the disfigured leg that always shames me. I saw the dozens of pounds of fat that surround me. I saw this suit of armor that did not serve its purpose. It did not weed out those who would not love me for me. It did not keep me safe from sexual predators. It did not dissuade those who would abuse me. So, why should I continue to self-sabotage every diet; every exercise plan, to stay under it when it was not effective.

During this year, while having split from my husband, the father of my children, I have seen 3 sects of friends develop. Those who never really liked my ex and were all too happy to see him go. Those who are indifferent to the situation and try to maintain relationships with both of us and our kids. And then there are those who try to make things more my fault or responsibility...as if his emotional abuse, and even physical abuse, were brought on by ME or that I should have stayed because “it wasn’t that bad.” I have tried very hard to maintain and be civil with this last group. They are few and far between. Some are newer friends who maybe don’t know all the history of my relationship. Some are friends I’ve had for 20+ years and for months, I could not understand their motivation. The day after my Reiki session, it became crystal clear to me, I don’t need to understand their motivation, or who they’re comparing my experience to or projecting their experience on. I just need to know that they do not support an emotionally or physically healthy future for me; and so I must let them go, and no longer sweat their opinions of me. It was just that easy!

Alllllll the New Plans

So many things have not worked out as I planned this year. It has been shock after shock. Disappointment upon disappointment has rocked me to my core. I have evaded a repeat trip to the nuthut by the skin of my teeth. I was carrying the basket of peed on bedding from my son’s room in one arm while dragging the 2 loads of kids laundry in the big hamper in the other down the stairs thinking “please just let me fall and break my neck already” when it hit me that sooooooo many things need to change around here.

Yesterday, my soon-to-be ex-husband said he needed a ride to pick up his bike. I looked out on our porch, where his bicycle still sits even though he moved out months ago, and said, “Are you high? Your bike is on the porch.” He texted back a picture of a motorcycle. A. Fucking. MOTORCYCLE! I replied, “Um Wow. So, you’re goin full on divorced dad.” And he replied, “At lot cheaper than a Corvette.” You have to understand my chagrin. This jackass has been whining for months that he will be destitute if he gives us more than $2500.00 a month. Just to put this in perspective, I was overspending when we had his full income to support our family by dipping into savings at $5500.00 a month. So, when he texted that picture 3 days after missing extra time to hang with his children to stay at some chick’s house, I nearly lost my mind.

So, there I was, gearing up for another day of 5 loads of laundry while this motherfucker and this “reunited friend from elementary school” who he claims is “just a friend” who I view as “just a homewrecker” are probably out joy riding on this motorcycle, and those suicidal tendencies started to rear their ugly heads in my mind. Way back in my mind but still there. “Ah, wouldn’t it be nice if this piece of shit had to be the only parent? How long would this bitch stick around if she had to be 3rd in line to a special needs child and daddy’s girl?” But instead of playing into them, I did my deep breathing and decided not to pitch myself down a flight of stairs and just start the damn laundry and continue with Zoom calls for the kids and come up with ways or, at least, ideas of how to improve my situation and stop obsessing about the past.

Step 1, my marriage is over. My husband has moved on. My daughter will never get her wish that Mommy and Daddy will get back together. This is all for the best. I needed to call a spade a spade and get past wanting to go back and fix something that the other party had no interest in fixing. I needed to let go of the idea that once he was away from us, he would miss us terribly and want to come back. It just wasn’t true. I needed to move on with the same speed and veracity; not into the arms of another, but I did need to absolutely and resolutely let go of the idea of reconciliation.

Step 2, fix the issues at hand for the kids. Kid with autism won’t stop peeing the bed and kid with anxiety won’t sleep in her bed. When we first decided to split, we tried cohabitating in separate bedrooms which meant the kids had to share a room. Bunk beds seemed like the way to go. Kid with autism can sleep anywhere really as he takes medication to sleep and kid without seemed like she just needed company to work through her fears. Well, it hasn’t worked out yet. Kid without autism says it’s too hot in the top bunk. Her other line is she needs to see that someone is in the room with her and she can’t do that in a bunk bed.

So, the bunk beds are a no go. It is time to get rid of them and start fresh with 2 twin beds. Kid with autism having a full bed that he pees in almost nightly through a pull-up is annoying as shit. If I get him in a twin bed, it would cut 2 loads of bedding daily down to one. As for the one without, I’m thinking I’ll get a twin bed and just stick it in my room. She can look over and see I’m there and maybe, just maybe, it will boost her independence enough that she can be in her own room when we’re ready to move. Also, kid with autism is showing early signs of going through puberty, so room-sharing is no longer ideal.

Step 3, where the fuck are we gonna live? The house we are in is too expensive. We are trying to sell it, but either we priced it wrong or the surge in COVID cases are making it not ideal for buyers. Either way, we’re probably stuck til the Spring. Okay, so, unlike many in my situation, I do have some money to fall back on even though I’m not getting a shit ton in support from my ex. I lost my parents and had some stocks and cash left my way, so I have wiggle room, but really, it would be stupid to use that money to rent. I need to figure out where we can settle and with the challenges of having a special needs child who requires 1:1, 12 month special schooling and in-home therapy, it is a bitch trying to research. I have to consider that if we leave the state, we drop to the end of any kind of medicaid waiver list. I also have a ton of friends and family where we are, so moving farther away, even within the state is not ideal. Then, there’s the fact that I really just hate cold weather and my son won’t wear the right gear to be out in it, so there’s that to consider. Lastly, my daughter desperately wants to stay where her school is and her friends are, but we can get sooooooo much more house elsewhere. It is so fucking expensive here! Aaaarrrggghhhh!

Step 4, stop listening to the gaslighting from my ex and get healthy and happy for myself. I am incredibly lucky to have so many supportive friends who not only have told me to stop believing the bullshit he would say, but also have given me outlets to deal with the things that I don’t like about myself. I have been terribly unhealthy and overweight for years. My ex would bark orders at me about what I ate, how much I ate, how lazy I was, etc. Now, I am going to start an exercise challenge with a group of women who are incredibly supportive and engaging. I am doing this for me and my kids...not because some asshole tells me 20 times a day that I’m a fat piece of shit. I cannot wait to be stronger and healthier with him gone from my life mostly.

So, for now, this is my starting point. 4 steps to see if I can improve some things within my control. I cannot fix allllll the problems in the world, but I can see if I can make life during a pandemic more manageable for me and mine. I can let go of what was and start clearing a path for what could still be to come. If you love something, let it go and all that shit. Time to explore the possibilities of healthier living and cheaper living and opportunities elsewhere. Wish me luck!

The Realization

Reality has been hitting me in waves these past several months. On top of surviving a pandemic and living the same day over and over as if it were Groundhog Day, my marriage has ended. It has gone out with a bang; not a whimper. There is so much hate and anger on both sides even though we sit here and try to pretend that we do not loathe each other. Already my life has changed so much and it continues to change. Now, I am not invited to holiday dinners. Now, for the first time, when my soon-to-be ex-husband (as opposed to just husband) goes to his next duty station, it will be without me and our children. He will be a single soldier and all that that entails. It is soul-crushing.

I wish I could just focus on the bad. I wish I could only hear his unkind words and mine and just think, “We are better off separately. We will be better people separately.” When I try to hyperfocus on the negative, I cannot help but romanticize the good times. I think about watching shows we enjoyed together. I think about eating dinner as a family. I think about when he used to feign some interest in me as a human. I think about when he used to want me; like really want me. God, the sounds he would make when I’d go down on him! I just plain miss the comfort of knowing I am in this with someone else. I miss knowing that, while they may not see him often, my kids would get to see their dad at least a few minutes almost every day. I miss the smells of experimental meals he would cook. I missed sitting up til dawn discussing our future; a future that is no longer possible.

I am trying wholeheartedly to look to a future and I do not see another man in it. I can’t. I fell (hook, line, and sinker) for a lie. I fell for someone who never loved me as an equal or a partner, but merely tolerated me as a collection of holes and a birthing vessel for his offspring. He kept me around because I fit into his world as ancillary. I watched his children so he was able to build a career. I watched his children so he could play Dungeons and Dragons. I watched his children so he could go on weekend long benders. I arranged family outings and parties and holiday celebrations and now, I am erased from all of them. I am no longer useful to him other than to continue watching our children so he can continue to build his career.

Am I blameless? Absolutely not. I smoked. I drank. I ate terrible food. I gave into my kids whims to not sleep alone, to have less rules, to be less independent. Why not? I was friggin here. Most of the time I was trapped by my station and by the level of care required for my special needs child with significant delays (a situation my husband reminds me often is not unique and I should get over). I am so over this when I really sit down and think about it, but at night, when the house is quiet, and there is no one to clean up off the couch, I am miserable.

I have been advised that I brought this on myself not being able to move past him telling me that he never loved me and that I am actually the person who demanded the divorce. I cannot imagine ever getting over hearing that you have been lied to by the one person you were supposed to trust for 11 years. Apparently, it is a thing I should have managed. I should have stayed married to him no matter how much bile he spewed at me drunk. I should have stayed married whether he threatened me with violence or put me in danger. I should have thought about my children more than myself.

Well, now I am doing just that. I am absolutely thinking about my children. The only difference is, now, on this new horizon, I am also thinking about MYSELF. Yes. I miss this man more than I can say. Change is difficult. Change takes time for one to adjust to it.

A New Start

There are a lot of things I have to try and figure out right now. Living through a pandemic is inconvenient. Raising a special needs child who is non-verbal and needs 24 hour supervision and assistance with almost all daily living skills during a pandemic is rough. Trying to maintain social distancing and keep your special needs child engaged while also trying to make your neurotypical child not feel like an afterthought is also rough. Doing all of that while accepting that your husband of 11 years never loved you, nesting, having to scurry off and be someplace else for all his time with the children, and trying to get divorced during the pandemic is enough to drive a woman mad.

Yet, here I am, trying to pull my way through depression and anger and find a way to rise like a phoenix from the ashes. I have, just recently, in fact found a new motivation. Revenge. True, it is not the most noble of motivators, but man, oh man, is it an empowering one.

You see I have been locked in a marriage where my husband did not respect me or love me for quite some time. I was, in his eyes, a child care provider and a collection of holes. He disrespected me, talked down to me, gaslighted me, and took advantage of me at every turn possible. No more. No more, I say. You cannot say something like “I don’t love you. I never loved you. I’ve been fakin it to make it and it’s killing me.” and expect the other person to stay and just keep eating shit and asking for gravy.

The culmination of our time together (separately) in the house came with him trashing our kitchen (by breaking dishes and throwing spice containers everywhere) and telling me he wished I was at the bottom of the Atlantic on Mother’s Day. Then in June, after I admitted a guy I thought I might date was only interested in sex, he said, “all any guy is going to want you for is blow jobs until you lose a massive, massive amount of weight.”

You see what I’ve been dealing with here.

The Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde nature of my husband’s general attitude toward me and his shifts between the drunk him and the sober him still rock me to my core. I am not over hearing that I was duped into believing the man that I shared my life with and created my children with actually never loved me when it appears really he was just gaining access to my innermost thoughts to use as fodder to attack me now that the relationship is over.

But I digress, rising from the ashes, yes, that is what I wanted to talk about. It was this comment about no one wanting me as I am, fat as I am, disgusting as I am, that made me really think about my reaction initially. When he first moved out soon after those hurtful words were spewed and with many more on the way, I wanted to die. I quickly realized once he was gone that having no income other than what he provided, even with taking on a roommate, I would soon go into debt. I had some savings but it would not last. Having been out of the workforce for almost 12 years didn’t make me a competitive prospective employee anywhere it would seem. I worried with my mental health and physical health issues, how would I get insurance and pay for said insurance with no income.

I quickly fell into such a depression that it was hard for me to get up off the couch. I would sleep all day and all night. I had to call in reinforcements of friends and family just to be sure I wasn’t letting my kids down. Any energy I had, I rallied and used to make sure they were clean and fed and loved. Quickly, I stopped showering, stopped brushing my teeth, stopped caring about anything for myself. I have to point out right now that I am very, very lucky to have an incredible support system of friends and family who would not waiver on checking on me and refused to let me slip completely away. I was in a very dark place. I contemplated suicide daily. I had convinced myself that my children would be so much better off without me.

When I spoke to my ex about this, (and begged him to come back even) he responded that my play for sympathy was too little too late. Goes to show just how much he didn’t understand where I was mentally. I had 2 friends who just would not give up. They kept calling and kept coming by and kept making sure that I was alive. I had others that wanted to give me space, but when friends who don’t generally call just won’t stop, it gives you a sense of love I cannot explain. I am so grateful for them. I don’t know if I would have survived without them. I had a plan ready and everything.

During this time, I kept in constant contact with my therapist and psychiatrist. I attribute much of my recovery from this dark time to them as well. I had to be completely honest and open about how much I had slipped into the darkness. I needed to try different levels of medication and different combinations. I had to try and talk through it with my therapist and find new coping strategies to diffuse the ruminations and self-hatred and loss of worth I was experiencing. If you have not been through it, you probably think I’m just being a dramatic ass. That’s fine. Think what you must. I’m sure my ex would be right there with you. I know that I could have died at that point and I wouldn’t have cared.

It took about 2 months. Lots of therapy sessions. 3 medication adjustments. But I finally fought my way back to the light. I started taking showers on the regular. I started cooking meals instead of just throwing together what I could find in the fridge and pantry. I started finding joy in spending time with my children. I started applying for more jobs and seeing every interview as a stepping stone to independence, whether I got an offer or not. I then realized that the key to my success and my children’s well-being and thriving and that major changes needed to be made. I just needed to come up with the motivation to really look at where I was and make the needed changes to try to avoid ever, ever being in that deep a depressive state again.

I just kept hearing those words over and over and over.

I don’t love you.

I never loved you.

I’ve been fakin it to make it and it’s killing me.

AND

All any guy is going to want you for is blow jobs until you lose a massive, massive amount of weight.

How could I conquer this? How could I stop hearing the man I’d been over the moon, batshit crazy in love with for 11, shit no 20 years, saying these awful things? How could I stop hyperfocusing on how he was probably about to be with someone else, if he wasn’t already, who was also going to make me feel like a fat fuck just by being a fit woman?

Then it came to me. Revenge. Sweet, sweet revenge. The only way to fight the anger and shame of not being fit or healthy for him or with him was to find the strength, determination, and discipline to be those things without him and certainly not for him. There is no chance of reconciliation. There is no getting back together in our future so it is obviously not to be with him. It would just be AMAZEBALLS to have a rockin bod and not have all these health issues and be the kinda chick who can hike, bike, and do a friggin cartwheel again, just to spite his ass.

Like I said, not the most noble ambition, but shit, if it works, well, won’t that just be fun as it can get?

So, today I began tracking how much I eat, how much I smoke, how much water I drink. I tracked my exercise and my lack of movement. I’ll also be tracking my sleep. It will be a slow process, but I hope you’ll join me on my revenge fitness journey. If I’m right, my time with my kids and my time on this Earth should massively improve. And Gawd is this asshole gonna be pissed. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Wish me luck!